The beginning

“He’s looking for you”

And so he was. Two tiny cold 14 month old hands were frantically searching for me at the side of the bed. I gathered him up and settled him into the crook of my arm to nurse and snuggle. I held his hands in mine until they became warm and kissed the top of his head until we both fell asleep, his contented snores breathing warm against the side of my head. When I thought he was back to sleep and warm enough I put him back in his bed but a baby with a cold needs even more snuggling than usual and so time and again he crawled back into bed with us. Every time I welcomed him with open arms, no frustration, no time for exhaustion, he needed me and sometimes I just need him.

I read a lot of blogs. Blogs are my way of connecting with other moms, albeit vicariously because all I do is read and don’t contact the authors. I am a mom who is lucky enough to live in a drop dead gorgeous area in the Sierra Nevada foothills of California, blessed to be home with my two sweet boys who are 14 months old and 2 months shy of 3 years old. I have a good husband and like a simple life. When I get any free time during the day I like to brew some organic tea and read mom blogs but there is a catch, they have to be passionate, honest and move me.

Lately I have found myself reading blogs of women who have lost babies, mostly stillborn children. This is a sensitive subject and some people may question why I am drawn to reading these blogs. It is hard for me to explain how moved I am by the strength and words of these women. I feel privileged to get to hear their stories, to read about their children. I see motherhood as this powerful ripped apart raw swirling of love and sadness and hope and frustration. I see motherhood as being frank with one's emotions, it is hard damnit but so wonderfully sweet at the same time and I can’t stand to read a blog where someone doesn’t feel this way.

Why blogs about women who have had stillborn or baby losses when I myself have been lucky enough to have two little boys enter my life? I don’t know, maybe it has something to do with a past life but these blogs really move me. They don’t do it in a comparative way where I find myself screaming at two toddlers who have upended a hamper for the millionth time and I think, “Well, at least I have them”. I do think like that sometimes, but not because of these blogs because I don't really see that as the point.

It probably has something more to do with having lost people close to me and feeling a sort of awareness that death does something to you. It rips you apart and shows you the light, if you can see enough through the darkness to see it. I think about these children and moms that I read about sometimes when I see birds, or butterflies or a beautiful blue sky. I feel a connectedness to the powerful force that is motherhood and I ache for it as well.

I feel embarrassed to comment on the blogs I read about how much they move me because I haven’t been there, not in this life at least, and I have two children conceived easily. I really need to get over that guilt. That is why I am starting this blog. 2008 has been the year from hell in some ways, 2009 holds hope and promise and I want to give back to the blogging community that has given so much to me. I have another blog open to my family but this one will be just for me and the people who I hope will find it.

It won't always be pretty but sometimes it may be touching and always honest. My boys make me crazy but being a mother has bettered me in ways I could never have hoped for. I will end this opening post with the words of a favorite,

"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you. Khalil Gibran