3 Years Old

The memories of 3 years ago today are both burned into my brain and somewhat fuzzy. 3 years ago today I left for the hospital knowing you were going to be born but unaware of the circumstances. I started contracting the night before about 1am, I know I left for the hospital at 10 am and now? I was probably just being admitted after they tried to send me home because I wasn't dilated enough, by the time I walked down for an Ultrasound I had and admitted I was (thanks to my amazing OB who made them do that).

I didn't know I would labor for 19 hours with no epidural until I was 9.5 cm dilated and had back labor, I didn't know how freaking painful it would be and that it would all end with 3 hours of pushing to no avail followed by an emergency c-section. They found out you were posterior and very very stuck. Things could have been bad but I had an amazing OB who slid me in front of 2 women waiting scheduled c-sections.

Those first few months with you were the hardest thing I ever had to do, no sleep, recovering from surgery, all I wanted to do was cry until I recovered because even getting out of bed to feed you gave me so much pain. I couldn't see what a joy you were all the time because of the recovery it was that bad, but months went by the fog lifted and then there you were.

It was hard going back to work after 3 months, I worked part time but every day and with the no sleeping it sometimes made me break down in tears from exhaustion. We plowed on though and you had daddy to take care of you so at least I knew you were well taken care of.

So much we went through, so many joyous times and so many stressful ones. All those milestones, too many to even remember and we come to today. Tomorrow you will be 3 years old.

3 years old, you have a little brother and I definately did not see that one coming. You call everyone you meet "friend". You insist on dressing yourself, sometimes you wear 2 different shoes but neither me nor daddy can correct you. You are so picky about food I think my hair may be turning gray. You tell us you love us. You want to drive daddy's car. More than anything you want to run around with other kids and I hope that you get into preschool soon.

On your first birthday your grandparents from Florida came and we ate Vietnamese food in downtown Oakland. On your second birthday we had our best friends over to our home in the Valley and went to Pizza and then Mexican food for dessert and margaritas. On your third birthday we are having a nice dinner, inviting some friends over and eating cake. I wish we had a bunch of little kids to have over but we just moved here and have no one close. I am going to let you run around crazy with your brother all day, that will be my gift to you. You can cover yourself in mud, race your Cozy Coupe down the driveway and I will be out there making sure nothing goes wrong.

You are adorable. I look forward to a great year with you. I can't get enough of the way you call Cinnamon Buns "Frambones" or painting "Panking". The thing you say the most clearly is "I love you".

I love you too little Dust,

Love Mommy

Intense

The wonderful thing about having two kids is that you can really see how different personalities are formed right from the start. I think environment has some play in it as well but kids are different, truly little people that are brought to us and shoot off on their own path with us shepherding the way.

Almost from day one Har was our sensitive little guy. He thinks before he speaks, watches the world from his space before diving in. He needs lots of reassurance and rewards our affection with tight hugs, tender kisses. He is very concerned about his brother and will wring his hands and worry when D is upset. He has more of a childlike innocence than D, dancing to silly tv jingles or making funny jokes in the way a 14 month old can do. He holds on tightly and greatly needs me to be there for him whether it be in the middle of the day or night. If I am having a bad day he doesn't know what to do and if I send him away so I can have a minute he comes back again and again with a tear stained face and a look that says "But I can't have fun mommy if I know you are mad". He feels deeply, he doesn't brush it off. He loves reggae music more than anything and I imagine he may have spent some past life painting, cooking and listening to or playing reggae. He gives of himself wholeheartedly, if you have H you have all of him. He has a funny sense of humor. He loves food, new tastes, cooking.

D is a lightening flash of energy. He does first, thinks later but he is extremely caring, he is the best with other babies and is great with H. His mind moves quick, he gets bored easily and tends to make mischief because of that but he is intent and can focus on one task at hand and block all others out if he wants to. He has a quick wit and loves how things work. He is a leader and very protective but will step aside if he feels like it. He is more solitary than H and values his space, a movie in his room. D has zero interest in food, he seems to eat as if it is a whim and refuses to try anything new. He likes things to be the same as they always are, schedules, routines, food. He loves affection but doesn't need it all the time, when he falls down he brushes it off. D never holds grudges.

My boys, they have so much to teach me and vice versa. Here are pictures of the 2 of them, at the same respective ages...one year old.

Spaghetti Hands

I feel good. I love my beer so much that I forget sometimes beer can be a downer, today we ran out of beer and that was quite a feat since we had a lot, but I feel peacefully happy tonight and that may be one of the reasons why.

Also, I had a stroke of brilliance and solved the bed problem by taking an exacto knife to the sides of a useless playpen we would have thrown out in the move. I threw some cozy blankets in there, a lot of pillows and cut two of the sides out so they could crawl in and out and both boys were fighting over who got it. Dustin won by falling asleep in it at 5 pm.

I fixed H his favorite meal, spaghetti with marinara, grated cheese on top and some garlic bread and a big bottle of milk. That is the kind of meal that really satisfies you and with a full belly I hope he sleeps better. I guess I always kind of like this time of night. Dustin is usually an early sleeper and when he is down he is down, so it ends up being nice and quiet, fixing dinner, making a pot of nursing tea (when I am fortunate enough to have not run out like tonight), waiting for E to get home, and watching some tv or reading blogs. I also get to clean and it generally stays that way, thank heavens for small favors.

All in all a pretty uneventful day, scratch that, no day with the boys is ever entirely uneventful but for now I close this post with a picture from last night that sums up the feel of our house right now.

Oh, and if anyone ever actually finds my blog and reads all these posts I swear life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, H is cruising towards 2 and I am sure there will be many profanity laced blogs and margarita evenings to come...

Oh so tired...

Yesterday was a blank of a day.

I would use the profanity but let's just say I am too exhausted to go back and change it.

Dustin popped his mattress so I had to do some rearranging, letting him sleep on Har's crib mattress which meant putting Har in the bed which meant a night of tossing and turning. I can't help but think I have ruined Har for sleeping soundly since I pretty much held him in my arms all night since the day he was born...but I have REASONS! I do, starting with the fact that since E couldn't stay in the hospital with me and no one was able to hand me the little guy I had no choice, recovering from a second C-section and all, but to sleep with him. I know, I know, so what about the next 14 months? I still nurse him at night, I still snuggle with him, and when it is a bad night like last night we have a miserable day. However, those wonderful nights when he is rock solid against my body and I wake up with his sweet breath on my face? They do make it worth it.

That being said, we are getting toddler beds. That is our next big project, along with moving, packing, finding a place to live, taxes, getting another car, you know just the "little"l stuff. Dustin is first up for a big boy bed, probably something car themed because he is so into the hot rods and wrenches. Harlan is more of a striped and robot kind of a kid so hopefully we will be able to find something along those lines for him.

In the meantime I struggle to keep my eyes open, H is napping and Dustin is pre-napping and if I could only get them down at the same time I could lie down myself. Then there is the other matter of rearranging things tonight to try and get some sleep, this I am going to have to be creative with because we live slightly far from civilation (read: large big box stores) and won't be getting there to pick up the beds until Friday.

There is a mound of packing that needs to be done, and a whole lot of cleaning but days like this I don't even see it. It is like the reverse of me turning into the invisible woman, mounds of recycling to be taken out? clothes to be folded? Invisible...if I can't see it I don't need to do it.

Now I think I am going to try and edge Dust over the napping cliff, and at that exact moment he blissfully falls asleep something is sure to throw a monkey wrench in the afternoon...wonder what it will be this time?

My love for you and you...

This morning I was making coffee and Dustin came flying out of his room. He wrapped his arms around my legs and shouted "I LOVE YOU MOMMY". Then he asked for a "BIG KISS PLEASE! BIG HUG!". Does it to me every time.

H baby gives kisses complete with a "Muah". He climbs into my lap and sucks on my hair when he wants to nurse. When he knows I am a little annoyed at him he still does it but he climbs into my lap backwards as if because he isn't facing me he can pretend I am not a little mad.

Oh, the love I have for these boys. Being a mother has done so much for me, given me two precious little angels, grounded me, forced me to look at things from the eyes of a child.

Yet they are boys, they do drive me crazy. They bite graham crackers into the shape of guns and stick me up at the refrigerator. They take toilet paper and fill the toilet up with a whole roll. They hold screaming contests and chasing contests but in these insane moments there is always one thing I feel, I am so glad they have eachother.

Never did I think I would have two kids so close together. I wanted them close but 20 months? I thought it would probably be more like 3 years. It works though, it is crazy but it works.

The love I have for them is so big it wouldn't fit on this Earth and they love they have for eachother? It has to be close.

Today I feel that peacefullness I talked about yesterday is waning, probably due to he fact I had 2 cups of coffee instead of one. That seems to happen every time and I really need to learn to restrain from that second cup. Also, that moving stress is starting to creep in. I just need to take a deep breath today and learn from the boys...their life is about today, it can't hurt for me to see it that way as well.

Mommy loves you little guys!

Toddler Land

The fog has rolled in under black rain clouds. It has been raining all day and while E has been at work the boys and I have been hibernating. There is a black and white movie on tv and the sky outside matches the movie minus the sparkling diamonds the lead woman is wearing. There is graham crackers ground into the floor and the house is a mess. We had a great last few days and had some good friends over to celebrate the New Year so the air hangs with the memory of their laughs, music, bottles being opened and children squealing.

Dustin is in his room watching a new Dr. Suess movie while red and white Christmas lights glow on his ceiling. Today he is all 3 year old sass, telling me things are not what they are. Contrary I would call him. Har is running around with soft baby hair, smiling eyes and a nose that has been running for at least a week straight. He is testing the waters of toddler sass, defiantly refusing to let me put shoes or socks and his freezing toes are driving me crazy. Meanwhile his older bro keeps wagging his toe that has a blood blister on it in my face and yelling "BLOOD TOE".

I can't motivate myself to do anything but coast through the day with a sort of dazed happy look on my face. Sometimes this happens, a supreme relaxation due to some combination of little boy kisses, children's tv's and weather that makes it impossible to do anything but hunker down. I always enjoy these days as opposed to the ones that I run around after the kids like a mad woman shouting "Put that down!" "Don't eat that!" "Stop hitting eachother". I think these nice quiet days are nature's way of giving a mom a rest, much in the way a well deserved beer in the afternoon would but without the headache.

I even thought about tomorrow as being one of the last 4 weekends we will be in this place. By all logic that shouldlock my jaw with stress. Packing, actually finding a place (since we still haven't), the logistics of moving with two kids and my husband who has a bad back problem, that should make me worried but today it just isn't happening. Tomorrow it probably will, today not so much.

Today I am just grateful to start a new year over. To be home with my little guys and being able to watch them grow. 2008 brought so much heartache but so much joy because I got to be with them. I threw together a post about the New Year in the post before this one but it doesn't do the excitement I feel justice so I may have to redo it.

Now, I am off to try and wrestle the boys into a bubble bath. When they are done I may sit and watch that movie and imagine life in black and white with diamonds and martinis.

2009

As I sit here and type this the rain is pouring outside and it is quite a fitting way to begin the New Year, washing away the old and bringing in the new. In so many ways I am glad to see 2008 go, it was a year filled with many ups and downs.

Here are some of the highs and lows:
I lost my job, but that allowed me to be able to stay home for H's first year of life and D's second year.

We lost our home, the first home we ever bought but that ended up in finding a much better area to live in.

We are renting again but that will allow us to save some money and the next home we buy will be the forever home we plan to stay in a long, long time.

We had some very close and scary calls with our finances but with those out of the way we should be able to start making more and putting it away again.

+++
We had our best friends over to celebrate New Year's and that was wonderful, kids running around, the adults still able to have fun, BBQ, listen to music, drink some beers. The only thing we didn't get to do was talk about our hopes for the year 2009 so I am going to finish this quick post with those.

In 2009 I will still be home with the boys. D will turn 3 and H will turn 2 so one of my goals for the year will be to be a more patient mother. I would also like to meet some other families up here so they can have some more little friends.
I would like to find a hobby for myself although I am usually pretty content to stay home, drinking tea, reading and writing or watching movies.
I also would like to take better care of the things I eat and drink so I can be as healthy as I can be, hopefully this will include H sleeping on his own so I can start getting some sleep.

2009 is a year filled with a hope, a year in which things will get a lot better for a lot of people. Whatever happens it will be amazing and I will do all in my power to stop and notice the little things. Living up here in the mountains has really helped with that and so I think this will be a wonderful year for us, I am so excited!