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Tuesday morning, 8:35 am. If I was more clever or in the right frame of mind for writing I could turn this blog post into a hard boiled detective style story. Sadly, even with two cups of high octane coffee coursing through my veins I still have a half working sleep deprived brain. It just isn't happening.
Both of the boys are still asleep right now. It is very unusual to say the least, the clock creeps towards 9, sippy cups ready in the fridge, cartoons playing on the tv and they sleep. Don't get me wrong, it is really quite lovely. However, as a mom you get attuned to times when the schedule deviates, dead quiet while they play is always bad and sleeping an hour longer than they usually do could be the harbinger of something. I guess I will have to wait and see, and hope it isn't a cold or flu.
I noticed a very distressing thing last night. Har has been waking up at the same times each night for the same comforting nursing back to sleep. This is bad. He sticks to the same nursing schedule during the day, if he is doing that at night I have to nip in the butt. I am hoping that will happen this weekend because we are going away for the night and I won't be able to nurse him nearly at all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that helps. If it doesn't, I don't know what I am going to do short of sacrificing sleep for an entire week to train him not to crawl into my arms at night. Training a little dude not to crawl into my warm arms at night seems mean to me but I don't have a choice, if it affects the way I parent, affects my own health I have to do it. Doesn't mean I want to but I have to. I haven't slept a full night in over 3 years, I know it has affected my overall well being. I just hope I can do it with compassion and love and the little guy doesn't get his feelings hurt.
On an entirely unrelated subject, I got a strange comment on my last post. It is about hummingbirds, Anna Hummingbirds. I can't figure it out, why someone would even post a whole essay on hummingbirds when I merely mentioned them once. There is no "read your post", or anything that even hints that this strange person read my post or my bio. This is especially true since the first thing she says is that these Anna Hummingbirds are all over Southern California. Hello, smart lady! I say right there that I am in the Sierra Foothills, Northern California. We are at an elevation of about 3200 feet and there is not a thing about this place that even relates to Southern California. In fact, I have often thought that Southern and Northern California should be two different states because we are really so very different. It was, well odd, and I plan to delve into what she says further but right now I am concerned the clacking of my fingers is stirring the still sleeping boys. For now, I am signing off. I am sure I will have more to say later, until then this is what my morning looks like at this very second.
Ok, I know it is Spring but that song feels about right today. This weather has turned the blood in my veins to maple syrup, I am so, so lazy. I could easily lay down on the deck with a pillow, close my eyes and imagine I was sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Didn't get a wink of sleep last night but drank some great locally roasted coffee so I am doing ok. My dad came over for a nice visit and when he left I switched to Mexican beer, fresh lime and a salted rim. I thank living in the Central Valley for teaching me the proper way to drink a Mexican beer.
I am alternately chasing butterflies and hummingbirds with our camera. Amazing monarchs flutter about, the family that planted our landscape put in tons of butterfly friendly flowers. A huge one landed on my purple freesia this morning but before I could get a picture Dust did his barking impression and it fluttered away. There is a family of hummingbirds that live here, two grown and two tiny. It is not unusual for them to hover at our bedroom window just staring at us, they are around all the time. I am one who believes in signs, spirits, so I always wonder who is saying hi. I cut a bunch of the freesia and put it on the deck hoping the hummingbirds will like it.
Today I feel like this is the day I have been waiting for all week. Some weeks just prove harder than others, this one sure did. The thing that always strikes me is something I noticed as a career barista, people move in cycles. It never failed, bad weeks or days seemed to show in people who had no knowledge of eachother. I have seen this in the blogs I follow lately, the last few weeks have been a bit trying. I wonder what that is? I guess we are all more connected than we think. Today though, I am finally content.
I am excited for next weekend, I am venturing back to the Bay Area with the boys. My dad is driving us in and I am spending Saturday with my dad, mom and sis. My husband isn't on speaking terms with my mom so he is staying here. The boys and I are staying overnight though, and going to Easter Sunday with my grandparents. I am excited, I love going back to where I grew up. I wish in some ways we could afford to raise the boys there but in many ways I think here is better for them. Any way, it should be fun.
There is a mound of laundry to be done, cleaning all over the place, but Har just fell asleep for his nap so I think I am going to head outside with my camera and Dustin....goodbye for now. I leave with a picture from earlier this week, our New Year's bottle of tequila, empty of liquor but filled with purple freesia.
"This capacity of waking up, of being aware of what is going on in your feelings, in your body, in your perceptions, in the world, is called Buddha nature, the capacity of understanding and loving"
Living in the area we do has been the best kind of teacher for me. Being surrounded by such tall pines and strong oaks has been humbling and very peaceful. I will often walk if I have had too much to deal with. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I am trying to learn how to focus on the steps of that walk, to stay in the present. All I need to do that is right in front of me.
I work on this because of my children and my peace of mind. Having two toddlers is crazy all the time. They are boys so they have this excess physical energy I am not entirely sure girls would have. However, not having daughters I guess I wouldn't know. I am a born multi-tasker which is great for mothering but I often have to remind myself to slow down and really listen to what my family and I need.
Yesterday we were outside and Dust had been working in the compost pile with E. He came around the corner with a sad look I hadn't really seen before.
"Dustin in trouble. Daddy hurt. Not shovel. Not shovel" he said to me in a small voice. I didn't know what he was talking about but for once I really heard him. I pulled him onto my lap and he curled into my arms.
At 3 daddy is Dustin's hero. Three is a hard age, much harder than 2 ever was. He wants to do every single thing himself, he is so stubborn and he does not listen. He especially doesn't listen to me, it is daddy all the way. I try to empathize and get it right but it is hard with an 18 month old demanding mommy all the time. Yesterday I got it. Apparently he was trying to dig in the compost pile with a stick and smacked his daddy.
Dust is fiercely independent and not much for cuddling. He didn't stay in my lap long but when he leaped out it made me sad to think that lately I haven't been putting myself in his shoes enough. It must be hard to be three, just as we all have our hard moments. The more I practice on being present for him the better mom I can be.
I think about the same thing with Har. He clings to me at night, a warm sweet smelling little guy. During the day he has begun to push away. He has shown more interest in his daddy and "brudder". I need to pay attention to that, I need to let him go but be there if he needs me.
Motherhood is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice, I just keep at it.
As for me, when I pay attention to what speaks to me I daydream while I hang the laundry on the line. I dream about this beautiful farm being a commune. Communal living. Buildings all spread out with amazing friends living here. Growing and baking our food. Children of varying ages running around, mothers helping eachother. Women and men coming together, music, laughter. Conversations about stuff like this, kids playing naked in the mud. My idea of heaven. It takes a village. As much as I focus on paying attention to my family in this moment, it doesn't hurt me to dream...
It is a shame I didn't get my post finished yesterday. Yesterday I had actually gotten some sleep the previous night. Har only woke me up one time and waking up only one time is like winning the lottery for me. I have most of the post in my saved folder on here but am not in that place today.
Today, sleepy but happy.
Definitely getting back to a place of balance and while it hasn't all come together yet I feel it just beyond my reach. The key is to get some sleep for once. Getting sleep means trying to teach Har to fall asleep on his own without using me. Each time we go to our favorite super fancy grocery store I look at all the organic beautiful teas. In my mind I am supposed to get a peppermint tea, peppermint is supposed to be an herb that reduces milk, so is sage and parsley but you don't find those in a tea aisle. Strange random fact about me, I hate peppermint tea. I spent a lifetime in the coffee and artisan tea industry, I should like all teas or at least appreciate a really good one. Not so peppermint, and because of this I grab the Mother's Milk.
I am sorry to go on and on about this but some things just kind of are the center of your life for days, weeks, months or years. Weaning and the lack of sleeping because of not having done it has been in the forefront of my mind for the past few months and it is hard not to blog about it on here.This is where I can vent.
Anyway, I think on some level he isn't ready and I sense that. So I pass on the peppermint, and the sage that is growing in our yard.
The weather is kind of funky today, it teases the boys and I with a bright blue sky but when you step outside you are nearly blown away by the coldest winds. A day of contradictions. I guess that may be the theme of the last week, needing or wanting to do something but doing something else. I just made a cup of coffee because I am so tired and when I finished it decided I would love a beer.
Lately we have been enjoying seeing what is popping up in the yard. We rent this really amazing place, it is a 5 acre former organic herb and vegetable farm in the foothills. The woman who originally started the farm had 2 sons and when she died they basically abandoned the whole place to our landlady who bought it. Our landlady is old, she couldn't keep up the farming so the place basically went to seed. When I talk about the sons of the woman abandoning the place I mean they really just up and left, there is a storage house on the property that was their workshop. It hasn't been touched, all the herbs are still there and the only thing that bears witness to the fact they left is the coating of dust on everything. It is really wild.
They marked all of their herb patches with metal signs so if we rake or move some leaves we find these signs that speak of the work that went into the garden, "mugwort" "horehound""hyssop". The list goes on and on. We don't know out of the fruits and vegetables they had what survived being left for a few years so we are watering and a giving the grounds some love and stuff is springing up.
It is like a mystery unfolding in front of our eyes, and always a reminder that no matter what road things take, if you have strong enough roots you will survive.
I try to withhold morning nursing, this is the face I have to see when I do that and the reason I am no good at this mom led weaning thing:
Can't do it so I give in to the little guy, now I have a cautiously happy boy (I swear he knows something is up with the withholding) :
Big brother wakes, and looks like a certain rock singer (m+rrisey).
Cartoons on, bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Belly full of mama milk, another happy boy found his daddy.
