Daydreams

"This capacity of waking up, of being aware of what is going on in your feelings, in your body, in your perceptions, in the world, is called Buddha nature, the capacity of understanding and loving"

Living in the area we do has been the best kind of teacher for me. Being surrounded by such tall pines and strong oaks has been humbling and very peaceful. I will often walk if I have had too much to deal with. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I am trying to learn how to focus on the steps of that walk, to stay in the present. All I need to do that is right in front of me.

I work on this because of my children and my peace of mind. Having two toddlers is crazy all the time. They are boys so they have this excess physical energy I am not entirely sure girls would have. However, not having daughters I guess I wouldn't know. I am a born multi-tasker which is great for mothering but I often have to remind myself to slow down and really listen to what my family and I need.

Yesterday we were outside and Dust had been working in the compost pile with E. He came around the corner with a sad look I hadn't really seen before.

"Dustin in trouble. Daddy hurt. Not shovel. Not shovel" he said to me in a small voice. I didn't know what he was talking about but for once I really heard him. I pulled him onto my lap and he curled into my arms.

At 3 daddy is Dustin's hero. Three is a hard age, much harder than 2 ever was. He wants to do every single thing himself, he is so stubborn and he does not listen. He especially doesn't listen to me, it is daddy all the way. I try to empathize and get it right but it is hard with an 18 month old demanding mommy all the time. Yesterday I got it. Apparently he was trying to dig in the compost pile with a stick and smacked his daddy.

Dust is fiercely independent and not much for cuddling. He didn't stay in my lap long but when he leaped out it made me sad to think that lately I haven't been putting myself in his shoes enough. It must be hard to be three, just as we all have our hard moments. The more I practice on being present for him the better mom I can be.

I think about the same thing with Har. He clings to me at night, a warm sweet smelling little guy. During the day he has begun to push away. He has shown more interest in his daddy and "brudder". I need to pay attention to that, I need to let him go but be there if he needs me.

Motherhood is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice, I just keep at it.

As for me, when I pay attention to what speaks to me I daydream while I hang the laundry on the line. I dream about this beautiful farm being a commune. Communal living. Buildings all spread out with amazing friends living here. Growing and baking our food. Children of varying ages running around, mothers helping eachother. Women and men coming together, music, laughter. Conversations about stuff like this, kids playing naked in the mud. My idea of heaven. It takes a village. As much as I focus on paying attention to my family in this moment, it doesn't hurt me to dream...