To wean or not to wean...

I haven't posted a blog in a few weeks because for one week we didn't have propane and we were freezing cold, much too cold to be clever. The other week I was so sleep deprived I could barely hold my eyes open. Today is not much better, last night I woke with the familiar ache of some kind of flu or cold. Immediately I hoped that this whatever I have was the reason H hasn't been sleeping very well and not that he was about to get another cold/flu and we would be up for another month. Seriously, he was sick the entire month of January which is just crazy because we live in the mountains. There is one person for every 14 acres of land, yet as soon as we go grocery shopping (or when I went into the Bay Area to visit) he gets a terrible sickness. I really hate this season.

However, this post is not about colds or the flu but about what has been going through my head lately, weaning the little guy. When I had Dustin I went back to work when he was 3 months old and my supply wasn't that great to begin with. He drank more and more formula when I was at work, my milk supply got less and less and when he was about 7 or so months old I was trying to nurse him before bed and he just wasn't into it. I knew at that moment that he was done so I breathed a sigh, I wasn't even really that sad about it because with him it was such a natural evolution. At the time I knew I was getting off easy with that and I made a mental note to be thankful. That night I just held him close and said goodbye to nursing, and it was done.

H is such a different story. I found I really love nursing tea, the mixture of herbs has done so much for my anxiety, digestion and I love the way it tastes. In fact I know I will continue drinking it after H is weaned. This does not bode well for trying to get H off the booby though because my supply is so plentiful and the tea makes the milk taste so sweet. I didn't stop nursing him at a year old because we live where it snows and the nights are so cold and I thought it would be practical to be able to nurse him through that. Instead I made a decision to nurse him through the winter and then wean him.

How though? I love nursing a 16 month old because he is so much more appreciative of it. He gives me kisses on my chest, and sometimes he even says "Momma Yum" or "Yum Num" when he is done. If I take a bath with him he latches on himself and snuggles so close. Plus, it gives me a chance to take a break and hold him close since he is growing so fast so quickly. My natural inclination (being the type of Berkeley mom that I am) is to let him self wean. In fact, he already nurses a lot less during the day, maybe only twice a day unless he is sick.

It just tears me apart to think of stopping him forcefully now. The other day he fell on the concrete and busted his lip and although his mouth was filled with blood all he wanted to do was nurse. Those are the moments that keep me from starting the weaning process.

The times that make me want to do it is the middle of the night feedings. This is where I have read you are supposed to stop but that is the hardest one, mainly because I am so exhausted that nursing him is the easiest way to get him back to sleep, I don't know that I have the energy to keep him from nursing, make him a bottle and stay up rocking him to sleep in the chair. He is in a toddler bed so he just climbs out of his bed and into ours, latching on and heaving a comforted sigh. I don't mind it if it is once a night but the nights when he doesn't feel good and he is up 5 or 6 times are really hard, although I suppose he would be up then even if he didn't nurse.

I have seen there are teas you can drink that dry up your supply and that is an idea I have been knocking around in my head. Dustin stopped nursing when there wasn't enough milk so I may try that. He does seem to be making small steps and he is one of our boys in the fact that he is finding his independence now so there may be a day he just stops, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Another thing that has been making me think is what I will do if we have another kid. I would really like to have another baby in the next few years. Ideally when Harlan is off in school as well as Dustin so I am not running around after so many little ones here. I haven't really decided yet if we will have more because frankly I am nervous about another c-section. I am worried about the lasting effects that will have on my body and wish I could VBAC but with two prior c-sections don't know if that would be a good idea or if it would invite a rupture. I also had a hard time with H's pregnancy so am not looking forward to being pregnant again.

I am also very worried about my lack of sleep in caring for another child. H has never slept through an uninterrupted night. When D started sleeping uninterrupted I got pregnant with H and I don't sleep a full night when I am pregnant, ever. That leaves me with a total of 3 years and 9 months without a good nights sleep. It is not ok, but when I am here all day with the boys it gets me by. Yet I could never go back to work, and I can't drive because I fall asleep so I am kind of handicapped. I really need to start getting sleep and catching back up, which means I really need to wean.

I digress though, I was talking about future kids. I always have to supplement nursing with formula because I don't pump and need to give bottles here and there to stay sane. I have thought a lot about this and it will be counter intuitive to the way I have raised H and D but if I have another baby I am only going to give them formula at night and nurse during the day. I know formula fed babes sleep longer at night because I have done both and as hard as it would be to not have that snuggly nursing time at night, I need my sleep to come first because I am a mommy of more than 1. I don't know why I started thinking that, but I have.

Anyway, H just nursed himself into lala land and D is watching cartoons. I think I am going to pop a beer and climb into bed hoping it will knock me out (I have the worst time taking naps despite the deprivation, so anoying). I hope D will fall asleep too, that would be perfect..