3 little birds part 2...

Part two of the post I already did this morning, located below.

...my insistence on typing a blog post right next to them awakens the boys:

Har baby wakes up:

I try to withhold morning nursing, this is the face I have to see when I do that and the reason I am no good at this mom led weaning thing:

Can't do it so I give in to the little guy, now I have a cautiously happy boy (I swear he knows something is up with the withholding) :

Big brother wakes, and looks like a certain rock singer (m+rrisey).


Big yawn, getting 12 hours of sleep is so exhausting:

Cartoons on, bright eyed and bushy tailed.

Belly full of mama milk, another happy boy found his daddy.



And our day begins...

3 little birds

Tuesday morning, 8:35 am. If I was more clever or in the right frame of mind for writing I could turn this blog post into a hard boiled detective style story. Sadly, even with two cups of high octane coffee coursing through my veins I still have a half working sleep deprived brain. It just isn't happening.

Both of the boys are still asleep right now. It is very unusual to say the least, the clock creeps towards 9, sippy cups ready in the fridge, cartoons playing on the tv and they sleep. Don't get me wrong, it is really quite lovely. However, as a mom you get attuned to times when the schedule deviates, dead quiet while they play is always bad and sleeping an hour longer than they usually do could be the harbinger of something. I guess I will have to wait and see, and hope it isn't a cold or flu.

I noticed a very distressing thing last night. Har has been waking up at the same times each night for the same comforting nursing back to sleep. This is bad. He sticks to the same nursing schedule during the day, if he is doing that at night I have to nip in the butt. I am hoping that will happen this weekend because we are going away for the night and I won't be able to nurse him nearly at all. I am hoping, hoping, hoping that helps. If it doesn't, I don't know what I am going to do short of sacrificing sleep for an entire week to train him not to crawl into my arms at night. Training a little dude not to crawl into my warm arms at night seems mean to me but I don't have a choice, if it affects the way I parent, affects my own health I have to do it. Doesn't mean I want to but I have to. I haven't slept a full night in over 3 years, I know it has affected my overall well being. I just hope I can do it with compassion and love and the little guy doesn't get his feelings hurt.

On an entirely unrelated subject, I got a strange comment on my last post. It is about hummingbirds, Anna Hummingbirds. I can't figure it out, why someone would even post a whole essay on hummingbirds when I merely mentioned them once. There is no "read your post", or anything that even hints that this strange person read my post or my bio. This is especially true since the first thing she says is that these Anna Hummingbirds are all over Southern California. Hello, smart lady! I say right there that I am in the Sierra Foothills, Northern California. We are at an elevation of about 3200 feet and there is not a thing about this place that even relates to Southern California. In fact, I have often thought that Southern and Northern California should be two different states because we are really so very different. It was, well odd, and I plan to delve into what she says further but right now I am concerned the clacking of my fingers is stirring the still sleeping boys. For now, I am signing off. I am sure I will have more to say later, until then this is what my morning looks like at this very second.

Summertime, and the living is easy....

Ok, I know it is Spring but that song feels about right today. This weather has turned the blood in my veins to maple syrup, I am so, so lazy. I could easily lay down on the deck with a pillow, close my eyes and imagine I was sitting on a beach in Hawaii. Didn't get a wink of sleep last night but drank some great locally roasted coffee so I am doing ok. My dad came over for a nice visit and when he left I switched to Mexican beer, fresh lime and a salted rim. I thank living in the Central Valley for teaching me the proper way to drink a Mexican beer.

I am alternately chasing butterflies and hummingbirds with our camera. Amazing monarchs flutter about, the family that planted our landscape put in tons of butterfly friendly flowers. A huge one landed on my purple freesia this morning but before I could get a picture Dust did his barking impression and it fluttered away. There is a family of hummingbirds that live here, two grown and two tiny. It is not unusual for them to hover at our bedroom window just staring at us, they are around all the time. I am one who believes in signs, spirits, so I always wonder who is saying hi. I cut a bunch of the freesia and put it on the deck hoping the hummingbirds will like it.

Today I feel like this is the day I have been waiting for all week. Some weeks just prove harder than others, this one sure did. The thing that always strikes me is something I noticed as a career barista, people move in cycles. It never failed, bad weeks or days seemed to show in people who had no knowledge of eachother. I have seen this in the blogs I follow lately, the last few weeks have been a bit trying. I wonder what that is? I guess we are all more connected than we think. Today though, I am finally content.

I am excited for next weekend, I am venturing back to the Bay Area with the boys. My dad is driving us in and I am spending Saturday with my dad, mom and sis. My husband isn't on speaking terms with my mom so he is staying here. The boys and I are staying overnight though, and going to Easter Sunday with my grandparents. I am excited, I love going back to where I grew up. I wish in some ways we could afford to raise the boys there but in many ways I think here is better for them. Any way, it should be fun.

There is a mound of laundry to be done, cleaning all over the place, but Har just fell asleep for his nap so I think I am going to head outside with my camera and Dustin....goodbye for now. I leave with a picture from earlier this week, our New Year's bottle of tequila, empty of liquor but filled with purple freesia.

Daydreams

"This capacity of waking up, of being aware of what is going on in your feelings, in your body, in your perceptions, in the world, is called Buddha nature, the capacity of understanding and loving"

Living in the area we do has been the best kind of teacher for me. Being surrounded by such tall pines and strong oaks has been humbling and very peaceful. I will often walk if I have had too much to deal with. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. I am trying to learn how to focus on the steps of that walk, to stay in the present. All I need to do that is right in front of me.

I work on this because of my children and my peace of mind. Having two toddlers is crazy all the time. They are boys so they have this excess physical energy I am not entirely sure girls would have. However, not having daughters I guess I wouldn't know. I am a born multi-tasker which is great for mothering but I often have to remind myself to slow down and really listen to what my family and I need.

Yesterday we were outside and Dust had been working in the compost pile with E. He came around the corner with a sad look I hadn't really seen before.

"Dustin in trouble. Daddy hurt. Not shovel. Not shovel" he said to me in a small voice. I didn't know what he was talking about but for once I really heard him. I pulled him onto my lap and he curled into my arms.

At 3 daddy is Dustin's hero. Three is a hard age, much harder than 2 ever was. He wants to do every single thing himself, he is so stubborn and he does not listen. He especially doesn't listen to me, it is daddy all the way. I try to empathize and get it right but it is hard with an 18 month old demanding mommy all the time. Yesterday I got it. Apparently he was trying to dig in the compost pile with a stick and smacked his daddy.

Dust is fiercely independent and not much for cuddling. He didn't stay in my lap long but when he leaped out it made me sad to think that lately I haven't been putting myself in his shoes enough. It must be hard to be three, just as we all have our hard moments. The more I practice on being present for him the better mom I can be.

I think about the same thing with Har. He clings to me at night, a warm sweet smelling little guy. During the day he has begun to push away. He has shown more interest in his daddy and "brudder". I need to pay attention to that, I need to let him go but be there if he needs me.

Motherhood is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a practice, I just keep at it.

As for me, when I pay attention to what speaks to me I daydream while I hang the laundry on the line. I dream about this beautiful farm being a commune. Communal living. Buildings all spread out with amazing friends living here. Growing and baking our food. Children of varying ages running around, mothers helping eachother. Women and men coming together, music, laughter. Conversations about stuff like this, kids playing naked in the mud. My idea of heaven. It takes a village. As much as I focus on paying attention to my family in this moment, it doesn't hurt me to dream...

Getting there

It is a shame I didn't get my post finished yesterday. Yesterday I had actually gotten some sleep the previous night. Har only woke me up one time and waking up only one time is like winning the lottery for me. I have most of the post in my saved folder on here but am not in that place today.

Today, sleepy but happy.

Definitely getting back to a place of balance and while it hasn't all come together yet I feel it just beyond my reach. The key is to get some sleep for once. Getting sleep means trying to teach Har to fall asleep on his own without using me. Each time we go to our favorite super fancy grocery store I look at all the organic beautiful teas. In my mind I am supposed to get a peppermint tea, peppermint is supposed to be an herb that reduces milk, so is sage and parsley but you don't find those in a tea aisle. Strange random fact about me, I hate peppermint tea. I spent a lifetime in the coffee and artisan tea industry, I should like all teas or at least appreciate a really good one. Not so peppermint, and because of this I grab the Mother's Milk.

I am sorry to go on and on about this but some things just kind of are the center of your life for days, weeks, months or years. Weaning and the lack of sleeping because of not having done it has been in the forefront of my mind for the past few months and it is hard not to blog about it on here.This is where I can vent.

Anyway, I think on some level he isn't ready and I sense that. So I pass on the peppermint, and the sage that is growing in our yard.

The weather is kind of funky today, it teases the boys and I with a bright blue sky but when you step outside you are nearly blown away by the coldest winds. A day of contradictions. I guess that may be the theme of the last week, needing or wanting to do something but doing something else. I just made a cup of coffee because I am so tired and when I finished it decided I would love a beer.

Lately we have been enjoying seeing what is popping up in the yard. We rent this really amazing place, it is a 5 acre former organic herb and vegetable farm in the foothills. The woman who originally started the farm had 2 sons and when she died they basically abandoned the whole place to our landlady who bought it. Our landlady is old, she couldn't keep up the farming so the place basically went to seed. When I talk about the sons of the woman abandoning the place I mean they really just up and left, there is a storage house on the property that was their workshop. It hasn't been touched, all the herbs are still there and the only thing that bears witness to the fact they left is the coating of dust on everything. It is really wild.

They marked all of their herb patches with metal signs so if we rake or move some leaves we find these signs that speak of the work that went into the garden, "mugwort" "horehound""hyssop". The list goes on and on. We don't know out of the fruits and vegetables they had what survived being left for a few years so we are watering and a giving the grounds some love and stuff is springing up.

It is like a mystery unfolding in front of our eyes, and always a reminder that no matter what road things take, if you have strong enough roots you will survive.

Unbalanced

Tomorrow is another day.

Tomorrow is also, thankfully, Monday. Monday is one of my most favorite days because a whole new week stretches out in front of you, full of promise, excitement, mystery.

This week I plan to find myself again. Somewhere in the last 4 days I seemed to have misplaced "me". Instead I have found myself in front of a counter wondering where my iced coffee was as it sat under my nose. Then flash! I am wandering aimlessly in our yard wondering idly why I can't find the herbs I want to plant for sale in the places we look for them.

Do not be alarmed, this happens from time to time. I always go from periods of serious grounding to head in the clouds daydreaming. I once read a really great book on how creative minds often do this, and out of this foggy sort of haze (which can sometimes be a depression for some people) their most intense creativity can arise. This has not happened with me in the last 4 days though.

I feel more like a chicken with her head cut off, searching and searching for my head. Or perhaps a shopper in a grocery store searching so carefully for something they desperately needed to buy but can't remember what it is for the life of them.

The other day my dad and I took the boys to a rock show. It was a lot of fun and I found myself staring at a display of beautiful pendulums. My mind said to my purse, "I really need to have one of those." but the two never got it together to buy one nor could my psyche put it together why I needed one in the first place. Now, sitting here I get it.

Unfortunately this misplacing of "me" has led in a nasty fight with hubby, frustration with the boys and serious dissatisfaction with the cleanliness of our house. The deep down core Diana is more aware of her mood approaching those things.

For now, I am writing off the rest of today. I think I can hang with this pseudo self until morning. Luckily, tomorrow is a blank canvas I just might paint with bright spring flowers...or a nice fistful of dirt. We shall see.

Sibling Rivalry under a clear blue sky

Where to begin?

This morning I am back after an 8 day internet hiatus. It wasn't on purpose, our home is tiny and very disorganized (due to a simple lack of space) and we misplaced our internet bill. 8 days later we finally got it together and here I am.

The first few days were nice, I got a lot of spring cleaning done but I really started to miss a world that isn't brimming with sibling rivalry, food strikes, weaning, lack of sleeping and a refusal to listen to anything I say. I also keep in touch with pretty much all of my real life friends through this thing so I was feeling very out of touch for those 8 days.

This morning I am catching up on e-mails and playing with fire in doing so but I am well aware of that. So many blogs to catch up on! So many e-mails! It is a little bit overwhelming, the house is really messy and I have had 3 cups of coffee. Both of the boys are fussy and my little guy has been refusing to sleep for longer than an hour for the last 4 days. I am playing with fire because I have a feeling everything is going to fall apart while I catch up and patience on all fronts seems to be running as low as the groceries in the fridge today.

Deep breath here...

When friends would sigh and ask me, "How do you do it with two kids so close together?" I would always have a stock answer,

"Actually the fact that they are 20 months apart makes it easier, they are really in the same space so it is easy to kind of group their activities and have them play together."

Every time I said that I knew it was only going to be true for so long. It was really easy in the beginning for that exact reason but in the last few weeks sibling rivalry has reared its ugly head.
Sibling rivalry from Dust, my 3 year old. Every single thing is "HIS!". Compound this with the fact he has decided to no longer listen to mommy and will only listen to daddy. I don't know if this is a normal kid phase or a phase that only boys go through since I only have boys but I am thinking it is a boy thing. While that issue surrounds Dust like, well, a nasty cloud of negative but normal Dust, Har is full of his own issues...not sleeping and not weaning.

I am not going to complain too much today, that is my mantra for this beautiful Friday, but I will say I am having a hard time with this weaning thing. Dust just stopped nursing one day at 7 months and never looked back, the more I try to cut out feedings with Har the more he wants. He fusses, he refuses to drink out of his bottle, he gives me this pained look like I am taking away the most important thing to him and he nurses all night long like it is going out of style. I vacillate between being done with nursing a 17 month old and still wanting to give him at least one special feeding a day. The problem is I think he is going to be like his brother, all or nothing.

As for the not sleeping, they are hand in hand since he can't fall asleep without nursing himself to sleep. I have given myself exactly one month to both wean and teach him to sleep on his own. Let's see how that goes! I am not a mom who is usually strict and I am going to have to be, I might need to take up meditation to get this done.

Today really is perfect in other ways though. It is one of those days I feel really lucky to live up here in the mountains, butterflies, blue skies, warm sunshine. Things are crazy with the boys but in general our family is doing really good so I remind myself with a quote from one of my favorite writers and poets:

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."

So I am going to keep a positive attitude about all that is going on today and in general, mindful of where my feet are. I am going to wrap this up and fix a great big lunch and try to get as much time outside today as possible.

Happy Friday everyone.