Honey

This morning I woke up and while sleepily getting Dust's vitamin I noticed somehow during the night the honey which had been sitting on the shelf undramatically for the past week had gotten cut. Honey was leaking out into the cupboard and dripping onto the counter. The sort of amusing part is I had set my coffee unknowingly under the leak and honey was dripping into the cup. I investigated the plastic bear container and noticed a clean slice. How on earth that slice got there is beyond me. I stuck the container into a bowl and went about my morning.

What a morning it has been. Let's just say when I got out of the hot, hot shower I had dragged myself into I burst into tears. I cried and cried and cried. I caught a glimpse of the bowl filling up with honey rapidly and felt that was me, somehow I had gotten cut and hadn't noticed it. Now my normal calm and happy state of mind towards motherhood was leaking out at a rapid pace and spilling onto the floor.

Sleep deprivation. Children crying to me to cure their terrible flus. A 3 year old boy who has decided not to listen to a word I say and only be happy when daddy comes home. Loneliness. Missing my friends and family, it has been so long since they have been able to visit. Having to write the rent check (a mortgage payment I would not mind, at least that has some sort of permanence). Not knowing any other moms up here. Not being able to keep the house clean or the kids fed because my own sinuses and head are so painful I can't think straight.

If there is anything that can do me in it is these things, all happening at once.

You have to be so careful in walking this minefield of motherhood, of 2 so close together (although it can and does happen as equally with those who have 1 kid or women in general.)

I have to fight and remind myself to take moments of "just me". I think I do a pretty good job although Har is so attached to me it can be too much sometimes. 17 months and he won't sleep without me. 17 months and he is still so attached to nursing. Daddy can't calm him down, only me. E has been working a lot lately which is great because it was even harder when he was here all day, but it doesn't help with the bonding between him and Har.

What does the "me" time look like? I don't need much, my favorite herbal tea, time to read my favorite blogs, drink a really special beer I have picked out, watch one of my favorite shows.

The problem is when kids are sick it is like motherhood x 4. They need so much more and it is so hard to just carve out time.

When I was sitting on the floor of the boys room, now turned into a playroom but to be turned back into a bedroom when the nights heat up, and I was crying I halfway hoped someone would call at that very minute. Someone would call and I could be a blithering, sniffling Diana so someone else could witness how hard it is to do this when you haven't slept in 3 years and 11 months.

Somehow I have to find a strength within me to make it through today. Writing here helps. A nap would really help if I can manage it. So would a plan, something to give me back some of me before I had these two wonderful boys. And they are wonderful. Har may be a study in attachment parenting but this longtime nursing, this co-sleeping have made him the sweetest little boy. He is so quick to dole out hugs and kisses. And Dustin? Well, he may have a total case of hero worship with his dad right now but ultimately that is good, healthy.

Where to go from here? Another cup of tea. I think we need some time in the sunshine. Taking away the syrup bottle that Har is drinking from. Finding out what Dust is up to with the strange noises I hear from the kitchen. It never ends. Planning my trip back to the Bay Area in April. Hoping against hope this flu goes away. Feeling good about being able to cry. And for some reason, really, really missing my friend Kathy. How I can still miss her this much after she has been gone almost 6 years is beyond me. Maybe because I know she would be a shoulder to cry on, or maybe because she reminds me of the wistful and free times we had before kids and before she died at B-Man.

Who knows. Maybe she can send some strength my way today.